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Tom Smith
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Death by Wubbie
Well, I hied me down to the Renaissance Faire,
For to have a fairish day.
There were lots of Renaissance Faire folk there,
Dressed in their special way.
There was Good King Richard in a golden crown,
His Good Queen Anne in a satin gown,
But as they went by, I was spun 'round...
And a wench grabbed my head, I was pulled face down
and shoved against two hot clammy mounds
Next thing I knew I was on the ground...
The paramedic looked apprehensive.
Death by Wubbie, a sad and awful fate,
Death by Wubbie, I hope you can relate,
They're packaged by volume and by weight...
And every day is a freshness date.
As soon as I could without seeming rude,
I escaped those helpful folk,
And went looking for standard Renaissance food
Like nachos, pizza, and Coke.
I got a couple of Scottish eggs,
And one of those roasted turkey legs,
And a cup of coffee well past the dregs...
When the wench took my money, her eyes flashed green
And she bellowed 'Twenty pounds for the queen!'
And she grabbed my hair and did something obscene...
I'm feeling a bit defensive.
Death by Wubbie, where everyone can see,
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Death by Wubbie, thanks for the mammary,
And it's not the cocker spaniel on MTV...
Though, right now, that sounds better to me.
When I was a horny teenaged boy
I never guessed one day
The idea of cleavage shoved in my face
Would make me run away
Two sweaty fleshy sacks of milk
With my head caught between
And it doesn't help that my girlfriend thinks
It's the funniest thing she's seen.
The folks at the RenFaire sing and dance
and do their clever bits,
Getting paid to embarrass their audience
And sometimes they use innuendo.
From the Jousting Field to the Wenches' Well,
From the Blacksmith's Forge to the Children's Dell,
I was trapped in a very special hell...
Where big-breasted women in smelly robes
Trap my face against their heaving globes
They're turning me into a RenFaire-phobe...
But Disney World's too expensive.
Death by wubbie, I never will escape,
Death by wubbie, I can only gape,
If I did it to them, they'd be screaming rape...
And my girlfriend got it on video tape.
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