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Tim Minchin
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Three Minute Song - Late Late Show Version
Clock! (Click)
My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
Yeah, I've got people, and a phone, and a grasp on the passage of time
Yeah, they rang me up, said 'Tim, will you go on The Late Late Show?
They want you to sing a song, baby; it'll be fine, fine, fine'
But the problem with my particular oeuvre
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over
And the theory here at RTE
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language
Which causes the viewers untold anguish
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved
For pussy puns on 'Are You Being Served'.
And so I…
Need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no bums or blasphemy in it
A lovely little ditty for the delicate asses
Of the innocent Irish lads and lasses
I need a song with a chor us and a verse
Without no nasty cussing and a-cursing
I'm a little too lewd and a little too long
I gotta write myself a three minute song
And they said 'Remember, boys, that music is like lovemaking
It's simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
Remember, boy, that music is like lovemaking
Everybody loves a pianist but length must have a limit
So you
Need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no pornography or politics in it
We're not quite sure if our viewers will cope
If you say 'prick' or 'poop' or 'pope'
Three hundred beats at a hundred beats a minute
With nice clean jokes and a hoe-down in it
You're a little verbose and a little bit wrong
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You gotta find yourself a clean-living three minute song'
And even in the bridge
I won't be lyrically adventurous
Conceptually offensious
Or racially contentious
And I won't make double entendres
At the expense of the Chinese
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees
For China
For China
For China
For China
For China is a country that will bring us to our knees
Ooh Mr Humphreys, my pussy is all wet a-ha-ha-ha-ha
Two, three, fore skin
I need a little happy-clappy country song
Nice and repetitive and not too long
Boring enough but not too boring
With a key change here to prevent me snoring
I need a song that is only three minutes
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm
Well if you can't beat 'em, get conservative with 'em
PIANO SOLO
I need a song that's suitable for RTE
So I can flog more copies of my DVD
By pretending for a while that musical satire
Hasn't progressed since Victor Borge
You've got a telly and I wanna be on it
And apparently you'll only watch for three minutes
Don't touch your knob
I'll be done in three minutes
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